


i forgot to say out loud (how beautiful you really are to me)

by TheGrammarHawk



Series: Hawk's Ferdibert Week 2019 [5]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Canon-Typical Violence, Crimson Flower Route, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Ferdibert Week 2019, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insults, M/M, Making Up, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Black Eagles Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Post-Time Skip, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Dancing, Spoilers, Swearing, War, forgiveness... can you imaaagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21679537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGrammarHawk/pseuds/TheGrammarHawk
Summary: How did I become so obnoxious?What is it with you that makes me act like this?I've never been this nastyCan't you tell that this is all just a contest?The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardestBut baby I don't mean itI mean it, I promiseor,A combination of no sleep and no coffee makes Hubert lash out from stress, and Ferdinand is the one that becomes the target.Ferdibert Week 2019Chapter 1: Day 5: Regency/Horses/Rain/CourtingChapter 2: Day 7:Dancing/Opera/Proposal/Holiday
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir & Dorothea Arnault, Ferdinand von Aegir & Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Hawk's Ferdibert Week 2019 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558714
Comments: 6
Kudos: 160
Collections: Ferdibert Ship Week 2019





	1. i can cut you into pieces

**Author's Note:**

> title, chapter title, and summary from Please don't Leave Me by P!nk
> 
> This will be a two-parter, with the second chapter for day 7. this chapter's gonna be mad rough but i promise you'll get your happy ending
> 
> Hubert and Ferdinand have already been courting for over a month at the start of this fic.

It was raining. It was raining, and Hubert was _exhausted_ , and he still had so many papers to write, but there he was, sitting at their usual table, scribbling notes while Ferdinand drank tea across from him. He himself lacked coffee – the store was out, thanks to the war, and he hadn’t had a drop of the drink in three, maybe four days now. He also hadn’t had the time to sleep, but that was beside the point.

“Really, Hubert, I could always prepare you some tea-”

Hubert fixed the redhead with the most intimidating look he could muster. Hopefully the bags under his eyes would add to it, not make it pathetic to behold.

To his credit, Ferdinand did not flinch, instead merely lowering his gaze. His hair was gathered into a low ponytail, tied off with a pretty crimson ribbon; it was a sight that would ordinarily make Hubert fond. Now he just felt frustrated and cold, looking at Ferdinand and how frivolous he was, down to his core, when there was so much work to be done. Could he not just tie it back simply?

Sighing, Ferdinand tried conversation again, taking a small sip of his tea. “Alright then… ah, a new filly was brought in to be trained as a warhorse. Her name is Jasmine, and she’s a lovely roan color. I was, I was thinking, actually, instead of training her as a warhorse, I could perhaps set her up as a magehorse – in case you follow the professor’s advice and become a Dark Knight, that is. She would be a wonderful fit for you, I’m certain. You should come by the stables sometime, see if you like her!”

“Ferdinand, I did not _join_ you out here today to hear you wax poetic on your insipid beasts! Are you so blind past your own nose that you cannot see I am trying to write a report for her Majesty?”

 _This_ time, Ferdinand flinched, taken aback by Hubert’s harsh tone. “Well, I – Hubert, you didn’t _have_ to join me, I simply – if you were too busy for our daily drinks, you could have postponed! I’m, I’m quite sorry, but there has never been some sort of ruleset regarding our topics, either, I thought that, that perhaps you would happen to be interesting in having a magehorse, Jasmine’s a noble and sweet creature, but if you do not wish to ride her, then-”

By now Ferdinand’s voice was all too grating on Hubert’s ears. He was loud as ever, and so brightly lit against the dreary sky and background it was practically sensory overload at the moment.

“We are at _war_ , I care not for your boyish whimsy over horses! Just because Gloucester is no longer alive to listen to your rambling does not mean I wish for you to fill my head with it in his stead! Go give them your company instead of me, you daft fop!”

Ferdinand’s teacup clattered from his hands as he stood abruptly, eyes bright with fury as he kept his clenched fists to his sides. “How _dare_ you mention him, Hubert – Lorenz was my _friend_! You have absolutely _no_ right to bring him up, not after he gave his life for his cause – he was no different from us in loving his homeland!”

Pausing and taking a deep inhale through his nose, Ferdinand attempted to compose himself, despite the anger lining his eyes. “Listen, Hubert, I _know_ how stressed you are with the war drawing to a close, I am well aware how many things could still go wrong, but it is not fair of you to take any of your frustrations out on _me_. I was hoping that since you agreed to our usual outing today that perhaps you could use it as time to relax but – but _oh_ , I was wrong. I should have simply canceled in your stead, I’m certain that Dorothea would have loved to take tea with me – perhaps I _shall_ see to the horses! Better yet, I’ll go straight to Edelgard herself and ask for a cavalry battalion to train! Anything so that you can go back to your precious work! I am quite certain you would always choose to give it attention over me anyhow, despite how our relationship has evolved-!”

“I hardly need to be lectured by yet another pompous tramp of your pathetic line, go waste the war time on _anyone else,_ von Aegir! I don’t give a damn if you take a battalion or if you simply decide to fully dust off your father’s shoes, taking off and fucking over some hapless barmaid just as you would all your inane legal proposals! I’m certain any one of them would be willing to indulge you your infantile fantasies of how the world works when it comes to politics and war! Some sniveling maiden will surely invest in your idealistic fantasies that you have so much time to dwell upon while people perish day to day! Go on, take another break, it is equal to all other work you do anyh-”

Before Hubert could finish, the remainders of Ferdinand’s tea had been thrown in his face, leaving him spluttering in surprise as the noble reared away from him, orange eyes flooded with tears as he stomped out into the rain-

Ah.

Dreadfully awake now that scalding liquid coated his face, Hubert swore to himself as he wiped himself clean. Abandoning his reports, with the tea, he too braved the rain and chased after where Ferdinand had gone.

By the time he had reached him, thanks to his tripping and stumbling through the weather, Ferdinand had already thrown himself up and onto a saddle, not bothering to grab any rain gear in the slightest. His hair had turned a dark copper as it stuck, slick, to his face, neck, and back, the look he was giving far to similar to the ones he steeled himself with for battle.

“Ferdinand-”

The younger noble did not hesitate to nudge the horse into motion, eyes set only on what was before him, not drifting for a moment to Hubert.

It was all Hubert could do to watch him ride away.


	2. when my heart is broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter title is the same song by P!nk again-
> 
> Sorry that this came out a little later than I've been posting all week - sleep hit me hard haha. Now let's see how this ends.

Ferdinand did not speak to Hubert for the remainder of the war unless strictly necessary.

He had returned from his ride later in the evening, soaked to the bone, with an unreadable face. At least, that was what Hubert had been told.

Hubert had gone to Edelgard as soon as he had left, though he hardly remembered the conversation that took place. All that mattered, in the end, was that she had leveled her gaze on him and ordered him to get some rest.

Bernadetta had been in the stables when Ferdinand returned, and she had been the one that went on to ask Dorothea if Ferdinand was alright – the last time he had worn such a face when not in battle was when he had learned of his father’s arrest.

 _This_ had the entirely unwelcome effect of Dorothea smothering Ferdinand while wheedling out information, which had led to a long and _very_ threatening rant from Dorothea to Hubert later on.

It hardly mattered. Hubert _knew_ that he had, for lack of any better way to put it, fucked up severely. It had been as though he had thrown himself back in time to the academy, back when all he knew of Ferdinand was that he was proud, he was arrogant, he was loud, and he endlessly got on Edelgard’s nerves for challenging her to anything and everything. Hubert could not recall how many times he had threatened the then-teenager, how many times he had insulted him, how many times he had openly mocked him to his face. It wasn’t as though Ferdinand had been any better than he.

Only, through the lens of hindsight, Hubert now knew that it was an entirely different way of arguing, on Ferdinand’s side. Hubert had always gone for the low blow, whatever could have hurt most: anything that poked fun at Ferdinand’s treacherous father, about his frivolities, about how he’d never amount to anything. In return, Ferdinand had fought back with his own spiteful words, but his had never been about hurting Hubert’s feelings. They had been pointed, knowledgeable attacks on his character and his methods. How was Ferdinand different than anyone else, aside from the fact that he was brave enough to say it to his face?

Worse yet, half the time Ferdinand had been _correct_ , and when Hubert was, occasionally, right about something regarding Ferdinand’s stances, Ferdinand had taken the time to reflect upon them and either stick by it or adapt his ways.

Even now when they argued, Ferdinand had admitted it: he was not necessarily fond of fighting, it simply depended on the topic. Spirited debates allowed for both parties to grow stronger in their position or consider new paths, hence his bickering with Edelgard on topics, whereas anything said to truly hurt was nothing more than a childish bully making a fuss.

And by the goddess, Hubert knew he was meanspirited when he wanted to be, but it took so many years for him to properly reflect and realize just how many of Ferdinand’s optimistic, glimmering smiles that had annoyed him so were simply put on for show. To hide the hurt that came from all around him, from his despicable father to the classmates he had only ever wanted to befriend, the damned fool had learned to _smile_ and go about his merry way in some attempt to make everyone else better than they already were, to make _them_ happier in his stead.

His unrelenting optimism and spirit hadn’t been damaged in the slightest until the war was on. Ever was he Hubert’s opposite; Hubert had lost any positive thinking before he had ever arrived at the academy.

Now Hubert knew who Ferdinand von Aegir truly was: he was reckless, but in bravery; he was at his most selfless when he himself was hurting; he truly believed in the best of people even when he had every reason not to. He adored horses and singing and, above all else, the smiles of his companions.

Hubert _loved_ him. Every inch of freckled skin, every ridiculous thought that came out of his mouth, all of it was the cause of a deep abyss of yearning that Hubert had finally, _finally_ overcome, able to call Ferdinand his, and he had dug open the abyss and his grave both in one scattered moment of exhaustion.

And thus the war had been full of nothing but gray clouds, the sun absent from Hubert’s sky. The most Ferdinand would ever give him was the words he shared with all during war meetings and the yells across the battlefield.

 _Yet_ , yet he was always had Hubert’s side as they fought, still more than willing to throw himself in front of a physical attack for him, still more than willing to take stupid amounts of damage just to keep Hubert safe. He only failed once, and for a cause far more important: throwing himself in front of Dorothea as she sent a physic spell to Edelgard, taking an arrow to his thigh that would likely have hit her in the neck. Even so, that was all the time that was needed for a sword to cut Hubert down.

He had been out of commission for a _week_. An entire week trapped in the infirmary with Manuela and Linhardt, most often only the latter as Manuela went to lighten her spirits. Hubert was companionable with Linhardt as he was all of the strike force, at times seeing him as something close to the most obnoxious sort of younger brother, but he _detested_ being alone with him.

Linhardt’s words were never venomous like Hubert’s – but they were sharp, barbed with undeniable honesty. Linhardt had no qualms about making small, jabbing comments to probe the situation with Ferdinand. He came out swinging as hard as he could with a _“You’ve been unconscious for a day or so. I don’t really know, I slept for half of that, but I heard Dorothea say that she needed some sort of calming herb for Ferdinand, the one that the archbishop had recommended to the professor for Bernadetta? I can’t say I’m surprised; he nearly had a panic attack in here when I was healing his own wounds.”_

The cherry on top was finding out that Ferdinand had commandeered all of Hubert’s work while he was healing, unsettling Hubert greatly when he asked and found nothing needed to be done. Hubert had hoped, maybe, they would have some privacy and discuss what Hubert had missed, perhaps allowing for Hubert to express his apologies, but the time never came.

So Hubert decided that if the war was to be a silent one, he’d at least do the one thing Ferdinand had asked him plainly: he bundled up all of the aching affection that had not been said since his mistake and he put it into writing. His apologies, his devotions, his regrets. He knew Ferdinand had read them, after all, Dorothea had sought him out to beg him to stop, that Ferdinand had cried over them to her.

Hubert didn’t blame Dorothea for her concern, of course. If it was Edelgard, whoever was writing her letters would already be dead. He could always understand the desperation to protect someone from another.

That didn’t mean he had ever stopped writing the letters. He simply couldn’t, not when Ferdinand had shot him a look across the strategy table, not when Ferdinand had smiled in a small, tired way, his eyes sad and delivering more of a message than Ferdinand had ever spoken aloud:

_“I can’t. I’m not ready yet.”_

If he needed more time to regroup, Hubert would wait.

***

The war with the kingdom and church was finally at an end. The country was united under the emperor, and though there was much work to be done, even Edelgard knew it would be for the best to have a break.

What better way to celebrate the toppling of gods than with a ball?

Personally, Hubert hardly thought this was a good idea. _They_ still needed to be brought down, after all, and a ball was simply nonsense while threats still lingered. Even so, Edelgard seemed to want the excuse to have a party, even if it was simply so she could dance with Byleth.

Besides, Hubert knew just how much Ferdinand loved balls. They were everything Ferdinand seemed to enjoy, full of dancing and singing and laughter. If throwing such an event meant that Hubert would finally be able to see Ferdinand light up again, well, he could hardly complain.

Yet when the night of the ball came, Hubert hadn’t caught a single trace of the new Prime Minister. As he looked, he saw plenty of red: red dresses, red wine, cheeks red from wine – but not a single strand of the bright hair Ferdinand had. He lurked by the drinks, scanning the crowd for the first hours of the ball with no luck.

Until Byleth manifested at his side, taking two glasses of champagne as he did. It was strange to see him as he once was, hair a deep teal and eyes a bright blue, after spending so much time with him looking like the now dead saints. Hubert hadn’t even said anything when Byleth spoke.

“You won’t find him here. Dorothea tried, but he slipped away from her near the beginning.”

Hubert’s heart sunk.

“Try looking somewhere else. I would suggest the place he is most fond of.”

Hubert stared at the small hint of a smile on Byleth’s face before quickly averting his gaze, a soft thanks passing through his lips before he turned to leave. Edelgard would be safe enough in his hands for the night, Hubert wouldn’t be needed.

The night air was just turning cool when he stepped out into the darkness, considering his options. The most obvious choice was the stables: yet when he stepped foot into the area, no one was there. Where else could Ferdinand be?

The training area bore no sign of Ferdinand either, though Hubert didn’t stay very long to check. Jeritza sat there, in the middle of the clearing, though judging by his unkempt state he had been training for hours. Instead, now, he sat with his head bowed, staring at the small item in his hands as though it was the most valuable treasure he owned.

If Hubert had to guess, he’d think it was Lamine’s relic. It wasn’t as though Mercedes would have use of it in death. Jeritza had killed her himself.

So he wasn’t in the stables, and he wasn’t training. There was nowhere else Hubert could rightly imagine Ferdinand loving more than any other location in the monastery. Maybe he swung by the dining hall to procure some tea? It was the only idea he had left.

Hubert never made it to the dining hall. He had passed by the gazebo and had nearly gotten there when he finally found what he was looking for.

Sitting at the same table they had always used, cup of tea in hand, was Ferdinand. On the opposite side of him was an empty chair, a cup of coffee sitting ready. He wore an elaborate jacket that complimented his eyes, his hair done up in exquisite braids that must have been done by Petra, judging by their style.

Despite being obscured by the night and silent in all ways, Ferdinand still raised a hand to gesture to the seat, not looking up.

Gingerly, Hubert advanced, taking his proper place. He frowned at the drink in front of him, something strange twisting in his chest.

“You knew I would come?”

Eyes still very much focused on his tea, Ferdinand shifted, but _spoke_ to him, voice low and warm as ever, filling Hubert with an aching longing.

“No. I made it out of habit. I have not been here in such a long time; it appears that my brain defaulted to what it knew best.”

Ferdinand hesitated when he saw Hubert lift the cup, taking a slow drink. “It – It is cold, I must say, I have been out here for… quite a while. My apologies.”

Hubert drank it anyways. “It was made by _you_. I am grateful.”

They fell into silence, half tense, half comfortable. Only when the coffee was gone did Hubert begin again.

“I know that I have written it several times, but I feel I must speak it aloud to you: I am deeply sorry for hurting you, Ferdinand. I had thought that I had grown from the years, yet I… there are no excuses for my behavior. I should not have opened fresh wounds, and I should not have compared you to your father. I said those things specifically to hurt you so that you would leave me be, you did not deserve them then, and you have never deserved them, not even back at the academy. You are not like him, Ferdinand. You are kind and courageous, and your ambition does not come from greed, it comes from a true desire to better the world.”

“Thank you,” Ferdinand whispered, drawing into himself just a bit more from the praise, “but I know you never meant the things you said that day. I… I know you lash out like that when you feel cornered. You may say that you said those things to hurt me, but I do not truly think that is the case. You have purposefully offended me many times in the past, and none of them were quite like this.

“After all, you followed me when I left. You knew what you had said was wrong, and you had immediately attempted to correct it when I became… upset. The Hubert from the academy would not have done something like that. He would have sneered, or given a sinister laugh, and he never would have chased me when I left. Besides, I – I still said harsh things back. Even if I was only reacting from hurt, there is no reason for me to have acted the way I did.”

“Stop,” Hubert urged, daring to reach out and rest his hand on top of Ferdinand’s, “the things you said were _true_. You have done no harm. All the fault is mine alone.”

“Terrible man,” Ferdinand murmured, other hand coming to cover his eyes. Even with that, there was no hiding the tiny grin on his face. “Once again you go on selfishly, claiming it all to be your doing. That’s hardly fair.”

They fell back into quiet again, more at ease this time, with only the faint music of the ball in the distance. After a few moments, Hubert asked about that, too.

“Why did you not come to the celebration? You love events like this.”

“I was afraid,” Ferdinand admitted, bringing his other hand to rest over the one Hubert had used to claim his own, “I kept my distance at first from pain, understand. After your first few letters, when it began to fade… fear replaced it. Fear that I had been too harsh in my silence, fear that we had fallen out… fear that if I went back to you, it would just… happen again. So I stayed quiet. Patient… thinking perhaps, perhaps when everything was done, maybe I could try again. But for however many times you seem to call me brave… I really am simply a coward when it comes to matters of the heart.

“I could not bear to be around so much celebration tonight, not when I myself was still so full of unease. I let Dorothea and Petra dress me up, I thought perhaps it would be alright… but as soon as I stepped foot in the room, I balked. There was only one person I wanted to dance with, and I hadn’t the nerve to speak first. Forgive me.”

Ferdinand was right: this was hardly fair. But he had built up the nerve to admit these feelings to Hubert, and Hubert would not jilt them ever again.

With a nod to himself, Hubert stood form his seat, pulling his hand back if only to sweep into a bow and offer it again.

“Let that not be the case. One as radiant and lovely as yourself ought not waste a night without a single dance to be had. May I?”

For the first time, Ferdinand raised his gaze to Hubert, locking eyes, and _oh_ , how Hubert had missed those bright eyes. In what felt like a century, but had to be a mere moment, Ferdinand took Hubert’s hand in his.

He pulled Ferdinand up from the seat and back into the gardens surrounding them, resting his hand on Ferdinand’s shoulder as he allowed the younger man to lead.

The hand that came to rest on his waist sent a jolt up his spine, the grip strong and warm, just as Ferdinand himself was. Their stares remained locked together until Ferdinand’s breath hitched, smiling weakly before he let his head fall to Hubert’s shoulder.

It was less a proper waltz and more the pair slowly turning in each other’s arms. Despite Hubert’s shoulder growing damp, he could make out the soft sounds of Ferdinand’s humming to the music.

When the song finally came to an end, Hubert carefully retrieved his hands, coaxing Ferdinand into looking back up. He pressed his palms gently to the flushed cheeks, watching as Ferdinand’s eyes fluttered shut as he swiped his thumbs along them, wiping the tears that had escaped.

With all the care in the world, Hubert leaned forward, pressing a soft and tender kiss to Ferdinand’s forehead.

“I missed you.”

After a beat, Ferdinand returned with a swift kiss to Hubert’s lips, just long enough for Hubert to taste the remnants of tea before Ferdinand was staring up at him like he was the entire world.

“I missed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed! Please leave kudos and comments - I hope that the ending of this fic was good enough to make up for the HORRIBLE pain of the first chapter <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hubert's,,, gonna get some sleep now, and so am I.
> 
> (sorry for making him so,,, terrible in this chapter but what can i say the angst gotta happen some way or another huh)  
> please leave kudos and comments!! the second chapter will be up Saturday!


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